So, you want to be a conspiracy theorist? Find out how with this feature, The Conspiracy Theorist’s Toolkit, which will tell all you wannabe crazies how to:

• Create the perfect “theory”!
• Continue with your “theory” even when real experts point out how very wrong you are!
• Find evidence to back up your “theory”!
• And even if you can’t find evidence, find out how to doctor it! After all, it’s not cheating if your bad PhotoShop images just help reveal the “truth” – it is lying to tell the truth! It’s fine!
• Become an “expert” who is qualified at the University of You to debate technical aspects that you really have no grasp of!

Now, before we begin, you’re going to need to choose your theory. What is it exactly that bugs and bothers you? Who do you not trust? Here’s a simple guide to choosing your theory:

Do you hate the American government? Believe George W Bush would do absolutely anything, even massacre thousands of his people? Well, come on down, your ideal conspiracy theory match is 9/11!

Or maybe it’s the Brits you can’t trust? Always wondered what exactly it is MI5 and MI6 get up to? Always felt that those Germans in the British Royal family are evil? Ding ding ding – your ideal match is Princess Diana’s death!

Or what about the so-called “ultimate conspiracy” – do you have absolutely no scientific knowledge? Do you have the ability to insist you are right even when countless people have proven you wrong? Hatred for the American government or suspect that they’re involved in UFO cover ups? SURVEY SAYS…

Moon Landing Conspiracy Theorist!

CONGRATULATIONS! You’re now a bona fide moon landing conspiracy theorist – good choice! By becoming a moon landing conspiracy theorist, you’ve also gained these INCREDIBLE qualifications – just by making that choice!

• You’re now a professional photographer. Heck, an award winning professional photographer!
• Was that degree in mechanical engineering from MIT tough? You bet it wasn’t – you just got it in three seconds flat!
• Hey, didn’t you publish a book revealing scientific and astronomy theories that no one had ever thought of before but were all completely correct? Sure you did!
• I bet physics was always your favourite subject at school, wasn’t it? After all, you’re a self taught expert on it now – and you know better than every other physicist there has ever been!

How EASY was that? Well, if you like getting something for nothing but have no claim to actual dignity, then becoming a moon landing conspiracy theorist is absolutely your calling!

But wait! – I hear you cry – I don’t know anything about the Apollo programme! Well we have the solution for that – it’s called WIKIPEDIA! And if that fails, which it won’t because Wikipedia is always right, just make it up – after all, remember what we say here: it isn’t lying or PhotoShopping if you’re just proving the “truth”! PEOPLE NEED TO BELIEVE!

So, you’ve got your “theory”, you’ve got your phoney qualifications – are you ready for the final introductory step to becoming a conspiracy theorist? Here we go! Is this correct?

Did you say:

• Yes, that is correct?

WRONG!

Sure, in your previous life as a rational human being you think the diagram above is correct, but not now you’re a moon landing conspiracy theorist! Update your thinking to embrace your new thinking – surely this is the correct graphic?

Even if you can’t see the difference or – shock horror! – disagree – remember, you’re a moon landing conspiracy theorist now! Be prepared to argue the second graphic is correct at all times!

Thanks for reading the introductory part of The Conspiracy Theorist’s Toolkit – you’re on your way! Doesn’t it feel good? We’ll continue this step by step guide over coming weeks, until you too can have your own YouTube channel and self-published book!

Believe nothing!